“Nobody helped me with you – and I will not,” the mother suddenly says in response to a request to help with the child. It sounds harsh, but the grandmother has every right to refuse to babysit her grandson.
Modern grandmothers are not at all what they were some 15-20 years ago. Then the granddaughters spent the weekend with them for happiness: pies, board games, joint trips to attractions. Many were happy to babysit their grandchildren. Now there are such grandmothers too, but there are fewer of them. Someone is passionate about personal life, someone is a career, and someone is a well-deserved rest. Our reader Zhanna, a young mother, also faced such a situation:
“It so happened that I had to go to work earlier than I planned when I went on maternity leave. My mother is still quite young, and I thought that she would not mind helping me with her son. But then she said that he was too small, and she forgot how to handle such babies. I hired a nanny, and soon I managed to get Yegorka into a nursery. Now my boy is 4 years old, but my mother still refuses to spend time with him. Occasionally she helps out, takes him for a couple of hours on weekends, but then she always complains that she is terribly tired, her blood pressure has risen, and now she needs to recover for a whole week. However, it does not work. She sits at home all day, watches TV, meets with girlfriends, and to my requests to somehow help me with my child, when my work week turns into a seven-day week, she seriously says: “Nobody helped me with you, I got out of it myself, here you are try as I do. ” What’s this? Revenge? Hidden hatred for me? An opportunity to recoup your past youth? “
“In the modern world, more and more grandmothers choose the latter when choosing between grandchildren and personal life. And in foreign countries, this practice has long been considered the norm. Grandparents live full life, do what they love, travel, and it doesn’t matter how old these grandparents are, 40 or 80.
Of course, Jeanne’s position is quite clear and understandable: any mother wants help and any help with children is priceless. But do not forget that when deciding to have children, we take responsibility for ourselves. After all, this is precisely our decision and desire. Helping a grandmother is not her responsibility, but rather a service! Parents, anyway, have already raised their children. “
However, it is still possible to influence my mother’s position. More precisely, you can try.
1. First you need to decide for yourself which one, when and at what time you need help. And, importantly, what kind of help you yourself would be willing to receive from your mother.
2. Try to bond with your mom. Any action or inaction of a person has an explanation, its own motivation. Sit down at the negotiating table, ask openly: is your grandmother ready to help you, what kind of help she could provide and in what quantity.
3. Speak openly, without pretensions. Tell us about your feelings, emotions, how you lack help and how great it would be if at least a little someone helped you.
4. Find out what you can do for your mom. Perhaps this is something completely insignificant to you, but very significant to her.
5. Draw up a kind of contract with a schedule. Even if it seems to you that your mom is not busy with anything, in reality it may be different. Find out her daily routine, week, time when she could really take her grandson to her. Agree on specific time frames.
6. Be, in turn, grateful for any help from her, because even the slightest support is important to you. It would seem that there is nothing supernatural, but we very often forget about such simple things, taking help from the outside for granted.
7. Talk to family and friends, share your feelings, and in turn, be ready to listen to them in return. Our view of the situation and the view of others can vary greatly, and it is often very easy to find a compromise if we just talk.
8. Pamper your mom with little surprises: it can be a box of her favorite sweets, or going out in a cafe.
9. Give your mom more time, but not only within the walls of your home or apartment, when you give her a task for a day or a week. Invite her for a walk around town, a movie, or an exhibition. Mom will appreciate it.
Interview
Do you think a grandmother should take care of her grandchildren?
Yes, definitely. Everyone will benefit from this: grandmother, children, and parents.
It doesn’t have to. This should be her sincere desire, and not a duty imposed from outside.
I am not concerned about this issue. If you need to find a place for a child, I can hire a nanny or ask a friend. Contacting mom is more expensive for yourself. The child is then uncontrollable after such help.
It happens in different ways. Sometimes she cannot cope without such help and I think that grandmother should understand her important mission.